Never had I ever been so monstrous

Completely unmoved by your crying face

Thinking that last time I fell for that

I signed up to be sucker punched

You had insisted upon no feelings no labels

But fell in love with me and grew needy

Questioning every gesture

Attempting to hop off the spectrum into normalcy

Somewhere along the line

I stopped being your friend

Instead I looked at you cold and circumspect

Wondering how in the world

We ended up at the same table

How in the world

Did you not self-destruct with shame

After being so clearly set against

The one I’ve loved for years

I shouldn’t have said any kind words

But I did

& they were all lies



We were

Bundled ever so close in the smoke

Of hand-rolled cigarettes you’d licked

Making eye contact

While the rest of the people cackled away

Their gibberish turned to static

When you opened your mouth

We were

Sharing a pint of Guinness

The tips of our fingers tangled

Beyond distinction

You debated bringing me to bed

And I laughed

Knowing how little time I had

How fast I was dying

As we walked to your door

I demanded many kisses

And you obediently obliged every time

Even when I deceived you

By turning my head towards the night

And putting my tongue on the tongues of stars

The laugh of villainous maniacs filled the piazza

It shot from my lungs

It rolled out of my mouth

Oh how incredibly fast I marched

To the bed into which I let myself fall

As corpses do in graves laced with peonies

We were

Bundled ever so close

In the fleeing heat of our flesh

And you towered over me kneeling

As if begging me not to die

If it makes you feel better

I really don’t want to either






You loved blood more than you loved me

I was a warm body to huddle against on long dark nights

Somebody who would have anxiety attacks

Cooking a batch of lasagna

But laugh sardonically at how flustered you were

Losing your virginity

Your loyalty to blood was disarming

Even if you followed me

When I would stray into other rooms

For alone time

Even if we would pass your pipe among ourselves

Sat naked on the patio

Even if when we first met

You recoiled at the thought of ever

Having sex on a balcony

And in less than a month

Ended up hard at work against me

As I stared at the stars from your window

You loved blood like a madman

Even if you tossed your laptop off the desk

To sit me down with my legs open

A sinfully un-Hunagrian

All time favorite summer read

You loved blood so devotedly

I couldn’t speak your mother tongue

And when I did it sounded rotten

That’s why one slow October evening

You called to ask if I was driving over

And was overjoyed to hear

I had no such intention

Following up with a firm

I don’t love you anymore

As if you had ever loved me

As if I could have ever competed with blood

Me a warm body for the long dark nights

Me someone you held against your chest

To hide that you were crying in public

I never stood a chance

Flames burn

Until blood runs over and extinguishes them

Until blood drowns the memory of shared orgasms

Until blood infects the purity of multilingual confessions

Flames burn as they quietly fade back

Into the equalizing darkness that knows no race

Or ethnicity

You loved blood so much more than you loved me



I ask who gives better head men or women

And you say



But there’s no need for apologies

I also think women eat me out best

I catch you frowning from the corner of my eye

You mutter that I never gave you a fair shot

That the competition is rigged

And I whisper Se dearest

Men worry too much about making me cum

Only Michael knew the right words

What words you ask

I did worry

I always worried you say

Michael would hold my head between his palms

And purr at me while hard at work

I’ll need you to cum for me now

As if it was the necessary crescendo to our show

The high high of a thick plot

You repeat the word purr

Remembering the night after Naples

When your eyes spun back into your head

And moans ceaselessly gurgled out of your throat

Clouds of static glide between us

I know you’re hungry

My flesh is a rotting peach

Festering in its own juice



I didn’t want attention

But you decided to hound me

It was because Fritz came up

And introduced himself

As if I was anyone worth knowing

Then we fucked like two people who’ve read Ulysses

Spinning nets of orgasms

In the naval police’s courtyard at 3 AM

Green light shone on our faces

Impromptu lighthouse disco

Sky full of stars

Waves bashfully huddling into one another

You got head behind the Roman amphitheater

And told me a million things in between

Your childhood your family your writing

The finality of it quick sweet demure

I didn’t want attention

But I took everything you threw at me

And made it quench the vantablack void inside me

Yes I said Yes Yes I will










Ill, writing a dissertation on illness

Daydreaming of shrouding myself in tattoos and kisses

Having let go of you

Floating through memories of the sunset in Cannes

and Perugia

and rainy Berlin

Having let go of you but not quite

Still holding on with a pinky

Playing back snapshots of your naked body

When I can’t sleep

A love that devoured without ever claiming

Furtive brief strange

Charging future silences that zapped over the Douro

You were sad

I spent an afternoon

Without you at a panoramic point

You missed me when

I went wine tasting in Gaia

Even if it was just a couple of hours

Two people with an unadresed history

Even after

3 shots of agua ardente and one beer

and three quarters of a bottle of wine

Bus ride home like a rollercoaster

You stopping to take a leak under a bridge

In your gentrified neighbourhood

Haunted by heroin addicts

Me thinking to myself

Will I ever be this happy again

Will I ever see you after the week’s over

Having let go of you but not quite

Still holding on with a pinky



It’s strange Matheus

That you would come have a glass of whiskey with me

And decide yes let it be her

And kiss me limp while

I pawed at the coin you had

Round your neck

Emigration pulled out

the “I love you”s

From your mouth


You said it twice to me

Maybe you hated that I was crying

At the thought of never being able

To drag my fingers across your jaw

Who knows

Portuguese and English melted

Into each other

For once I wasn’t thinking of Se

It was me and you and

The sensations we’d built out of flesh

Had become thick white cotton blossoms

For some reason that time you showed me

Your scores for a piece of Beethoven’s

Came back to me

I was looking at you

Certain that you’ll leave my town

And take back all those glorious days

Spent together

Making music

Fucking ever so slowly

Like when I whispered to you

Play me

And was your violin

You would disappear and forget

As would I

And then it will have all been make belief

I wanted it to be real